Sometimes you find yourself asking for help and getting exactly what you need. Other times, you ask for help and end up feeling worse than you did before you asked!
How many times have you built yourself up to asking for help, for guidance, for support, for a little bit of encouragement and all that came back was:
Just Do It
Get out of your comfort zone
Get out of your own head
Stop getting in your own way
You’re overthinking it
😭These words and phrases (and variations of such) can be so damaging! So so damaging:
They can fuel the stuck feeling, the helplessness, the lack of confidence – and the list goes on!!
Misguided Well Meaning
We might say these things to ourselves, we might even say them to friends and family and all is fine, no biggy! Well to a certain degree – depending on circumstances, tone, relationship yada yada ( I do get that side of it honest!)…
Yes we all kind of have an understanding of what they “mean” or what is being inferred. Yes they might be meant with well meaning and good intention, with the hope that it will spur you on to take action, stop stressing. Easier Said Than Done Though! Yes it can encourage you think about the situation a bit more, it can even for some people be enough to just pull themselves out of a situation by perhaps making them realise what has been going on; but what about when you’re really struggling?
🤬 It infuriates me when these things are said to someone who is clearly seeking help / guidance / support. When they are not in a particularly good space to begin with. When they are just looking for a little guiding light, a bit of encouragement, a bit of a starting point! Especially when they can be said in such a dismissive manner; a throw away, easy comment to make. They can leave you feeling even worse, because now you feel stupid for asking in the first place!
When someone asks for help, if you fire out these responses please know it is generally NOT HELPFUL!!
UNLESS you have something constructive to back up what you are trying to say!
Yes I have said and will probably continue to use some of these or variations of them, BUT, only
WHEN I can shine some light on the situation, add something more to it, highlight the point I’m trying to make.
WHEN I can provide examples of where I am coming from.
WHEN I have a way of helping untangle the difficulties / feelings and can see or suggest a potential solution.
WHEN I can offer some guidance, when I can ask questions that will help make things clearer and easier to navigate.
NOT because it sounds like the right thing to say!
NOT because I don’t have any answers!
NOT because I just can’t be arsed with you going through this again!
NOT in the hope that you will go away and sort things out yourself!
There is clearly SOMETHING that is causing the feeling, the reason behind the feeling stuck, lost, confused; a reason behind constantly running scenarios through your head; a reason for the fear.
What is causing the overthinking, the “getting in your own way”? How / what are you doing to be in your own way, getting stuck in your own head, staying within your comfort zone and is there a way out of that?
If you don’t start looking at the underlying issues (regardless of whether or not they are deep-seeded dramatic scenarios or normal being in business wobbles) then the chances are these things will continue to crop up and you’ll potentially go around in circles until it gets to be too much. At least if you can start to identify where problems are arising, you have a better chance of being able to acknowledge them sooner and deal with them easier – lessening the feelings of helplessness.
If the person you have asked for help isn’t able to offer you anything other than a throw away comment without substance and insight then they are not the right person to be helping you! They might not “get you”, they might not be in a good place themselves, they might not have a clue how to help.
If you are faced with these comments and feel even worse; don’t know what it means; have no idea how to move forward or where to start, ask for more! Don’t just say thanks very much and go away mulling it over feeling even worse, tell the person (especially if you are seeking help in a professional capacity). If they don’t know they’ve done something wrong, if they don’t know it’s not helped how can they fix it? If they have a problem with this, if they can’t / don’t help then walk away and find someone who can help!
I hope you get the help & support you need when you’re feeling lost and stuck! Please do get in touch if you think I can help!
Soap Box going away again (for now 😉 )